When he left

When he left, I cried, 

I was ten or eleven or theoretically 
too young to recognize loss. 
But I felt it. I knew its name. 
I inhaled and by the time I could
breathe again I sobbed and,
and they told me it would be alright. 

When he left my, oh my. 

I entered that match and
being a fighter, a survivor, a
sheer force of god damn will, 
I fought loss with loss. I grew
up with unavailable love, love
too tired, too busy, too demanding. 

When he left my heart, I moved. 

I didn't move on, I didn't learn
to accept that sometimes good
people make bad choices and 
bad people will find the ways to
pave the sidewalk cracks with poison. 
I gathered my bones, and I moved. 

When he left my heart leaked, with confusion. 

I wasn't prepared for the silence. 
For the first time my black hole
excavations went too far, too deep
into caves and caverns I wasn't
prepared for, trained for, armed for. 
I learned that ghosts were real. 

When he left my heart leaked through, into everything. 

Hell hath no fury like a heart scorned,
because believe me when I tell you
its tar suffocates all in its path. 
Sometimes he still visits, but its
... hollow. It's frankly just not the same. 

When he left my heart leaked through my, my words. 

I sharpened my tongue and spoke
truth to how lost he was to
how much he cost me to
how broken and ashamed 
and cautious he left me
unavailable to myself. Honestly,
I didn't even know that was possible. 

But. 

When he left my heart
leaked through my eyes, impaired my
vision of love, life. 

Midnight personified, my tired hero, 
he ruled over them all with 
soft words, masked by joyful tears. 
We found each other in the dark, 
two, unavailable hearts feeling
for what felt like the very first time. 

When he left, I cried. 

Midnight Musings

My trauma is wrapped around me, 

soft as mink and barbed with quills 
I grew when he left, when he cheated, 
when he violated the curves of my body.
It's hard to remain soft in a world this cruel. 

Sculptors of emotional and intimate clay,
they molded a warrior, a survivor, a woman
who sometimes recoils, trapped in the scream. 
My nerve endings are free and bare and yours?
It's hard to remain soft in a world this cruel. 

Crisscrossing psychological and physical paths,
the warmth of your hands exploring my body
for longer than an age, shorter than a period...
it's reminiscent of fires even older than time. 
It's hard to remain soft in a world this cruel.

Words pirouette in my brain and tumble out, 
tongue bouncing and twisting forward, backward.
If you're patient, I'll be courageous and grant you
my trust because who doesn't like oxytocin?
It's hard to remain soft in a world this cruel.

It's just, I have a feeling you know this, but,
it's hard to remain soft in a world this cruel. 

Nonverbal Cues

I forgot to breathe as I pedaled past where you were perched, 

as still as those statues we posed by on a date in a villa so long ago.
Do the what ifs and the why nots cross your neural pathways because
some days they linger across mine. 

It took courage and sheer willpower to turn around and foot over foot
march towards what could have been unfamiliar or familiar or that 
hazy bridge that connects the distance between the two. 
The mind discovers incredible ways to protect its more fragile counterparts, 
softer bits that are less resilient to pain. 

I had forgotten what it felt like to be wrapped in your warm embrace, 
and how your mischievous grin could invoke an involuntary smile. 
No one wins in a never ending game of remember when you thought 
a seagull or a plane or Superman was a shooting star.

And yet I still have the letters you returned and sometimes linger on 
all of the firsts we shared together, scattered around our own world. 
I know I asked but everything temporarily halted while hearing about her, 
I wasn't prepared for your response and my visceral reaction.
It's amazing how even after all of these years you feel like home.

Untitled

Words rested on the tip of my tongue

when you pulled me into your embrace.
I don't know how to talk to you but I can
still smell the scent of your cologne and
see your sparkling baby blues reflecting
the warmth of the sun... and that wink.

But like the lioness pacing her cage I'll do
anything to protect my pride from the
gazes of antelopes and hyenas alike,
all watching, waiting, and mesmerized by
the sway of my hips as I go in for the kill. 

6/2/16

I feel terribly guilty, but all I can think of 

all I can repeat is... it was not you. 
It was not you trembling to the tune of 
a metallic bang bang and that thump. 
You were not cowering in fear in our home, 
the place where we grew and fell together,
wrapped in insecurities and ambition and
those times we slid while running in the rain. 

I repeat to myself that it was not you and
the breath I held deep in my lungs today 
releases into a long grateful sigh of relief.
Because it was not you, it was someone else. 
They could have been another's first love, 
or they could have been a stranger, or
they could have been someone's... someone. 

And today, for them, my heart paused and
remembered the pain of saying goodbye. 
Because while it was not you it still was
a bear trying to navigate through the woods.
What seemed like a functional ecosystem 
was actually a trap with razor sharp teeth.

You Don't Do Much for Me

April betrayal

followed by long days of pain, 

ends with a sentence. 

                 Adios fucker,                         Hope she was worth it,

         I archived your chapter and             you sacrificed your future

       Started my own book.                      with cheap vanilla.

You became my first

Source for dark, twisted humor

and made me stronger. 

Because of you I

no longer apologize, 

instead I stand tall. 

Letting go of you,

Extinguishing empathy

took all of my will.

Jose Cuervo knows                            What did me in was

my head and my heart and more,          finding the reasons to love,

he failed to fix me.                          life did that instead.

Cheers from the city.

And those handcuffs you possess?

Don't do much for me. 

xoxo.

It's Been a While

I am embarking on a road trip across the country to begin a new job in the Big Apple. From Syracuse to East Windsor to Grapevine to McKinney to Westwood to New York City, it tickles me how I have made a giant loop throughout the US. Each stopping point has marked a different chapter in my life. New York, where I was born, a result of two star-crossed Orange lovers. New Jersey, where I tumbled across yards and walked with dragons and ants alike. Texas, where I pushed myself to the limit and spent afternoons playing cards while eating pomegranates. Los Angeles, where I found my chosen family and changed my surname to Community Service Commission. And now New York, ______________________________________.

As I close the door on Los Angeles, I'm leaving without being able to say goodbye because I refuse to. My friends and family will be on my mind and in my heart for the rest of my existence. Geographical distance will not stop me from loving you all up close and out loud, but it may stop me from convincing every restaurant we go to that it's your birthday. Boo.

Y para mi ranita? Este poema es para él.

I miss picking avocados and the "eat this not that" debates in the grocery store.

I miss "Te amo de aqui hasta las estrellas" and enchiladita

and the comfortable silence of a long car ride. 

I miss let's go to that one place in Echo Park for tacos

and automatically cheering for the Puerto Rican queen on RuPaul's drag race.

I miss hey how was your day can I pick you(r spirits) up

and the giant stuffed teddy bear that takes up too much space on my bed.

I miss the lowkey trips for coffee and the highkey adventures at the happiest place on earth

(you thought it was Disney, but I thought it was the aviaries at the San Diego zoo).

I miss that time I was scared, I scared you in the middle of the night,

and let's see how cold the snow is.

I miss dancing as bunnies and owls, karaoke, and kbbq.

I miss not another chicken Cesar salad and traveling to the place of its invention.

I miss the smeared lizard on your back and your passion to make a difference and oh yeah did you hear about what Manny did today he licked a prize. 

I miss warming my hands against your skin and the notes from my secret admirer. 

I miss trying to make it through Star Wars and for being a bird Angel is the worst wing woman.

I miss you'll watch Frozen and I'll watch Pacific Rim and all the times we ventured into other worlds together.

I miss you.

365

A day

     full of laughter
     filled with joy
     full of warmth
     in the arms of a boy

     without hatred
     without fear
     without questioning
     all the things that I feel

     mixed with conversations
     mixed with fun
     I was in the darkness
     Now I'm in the sun

at a time.

I Choose To Be F**king Happy.

Once upon a time,
I settled for my heart lamenting.
Crying over a love lost,
a bond broken and betrayed.

Once upon a time,
I decided I would run away
from everyone and everything.
The intimacy of hearts touching was frightening.

Once upon a time,
someone reached out
through the darkness
through all of the defenses I had so carefully constructed around this glass house.

Once upon a time,
I turned it down.
I crushed it,
because I was scared of what I felt and for who I felt it and all the vulnerable parts of myself.

And in this time,
in this place and in this moment.
I am in a fairytale.
And he says,
"Te amo de aqui hasta las estrellas."

Letting Go of the Laughter and Tears

I've missed you

                        Since you broke my heart
                        While I am collecting the pieces
                        And I'm trying to put back the parts.

                                                I've loved you

                       Throughout the entire journey
                       Through the days and the nights
                       And as a woman in black, I have been mourning.

                                                                        But it is time

                       For me to move on.
                       To become more careful with my heart
                       To realize what we had was gone.

                                                                                                To heal.

Love and Theft

You don't understand
And you don't seem to care,
That you have locked up my heart.

You selfishly retain
What should no longer be yours
And it's quite a significant part.

I want to move on,
There are others who will love me...
And yet I push them away.

What will you do?
What will you say?

When I finally steal it back.

Wine

How many pieces of your heart can you give away before there's an insufficient amount left for yourself?

My first love was
                                     bittersweet
the creator of
                                     memories.
my reality, continues to
                                     haunt.
Posses my heart.
But only in my dreams
is (s)he still here.
Only in...
                                     my sleep