When he left

When he left, I cried, 

I was ten or eleven or theoretically 
too young to recognize loss. 
But I felt it. I knew its name. 
I inhaled and by the time I could
breathe again I sobbed and,
and they told me it would be alright. 

When he left my, oh my. 

I entered that match and
being a fighter, a survivor, a
sheer force of god damn will, 
I fought loss with loss. I grew
up with unavailable love, love
too tired, too busy, too demanding. 

When he left my heart, I moved. 

I didn't move on, I didn't learn
to accept that sometimes good
people make bad choices and 
bad people will find the ways to
pave the sidewalk cracks with poison. 
I gathered my bones, and I moved. 

When he left my heart leaked, with confusion. 

I wasn't prepared for the silence. 
For the first time my black hole
excavations went too far, too deep
into caves and caverns I wasn't
prepared for, trained for, armed for. 
I learned that ghosts were real. 

When he left my heart leaked through, into everything. 

Hell hath no fury like a heart scorned,
because believe me when I tell you
its tar suffocates all in its path. 
Sometimes he still visits, but its
... hollow. It's frankly just not the same. 

When he left my heart leaked through my, my words. 

I sharpened my tongue and spoke
truth to how lost he was to
how much he cost me to
how broken and ashamed 
and cautious he left me
unavailable to myself. Honestly,
I didn't even know that was possible. 

But. 

When he left my heart
leaked through my eyes, impaired my
vision of love, life. 

Midnight personified, my tired hero, 
he ruled over them all with 
soft words, masked by joyful tears. 
We found each other in the dark, 
two, unavailable hearts feeling
for what felt like the very first time. 

When he left, I cried. 

(Fucking) Scruffy Nerfherders

You stretch my heart, glittery sky blue silly putty 

wrapped around your fingers, the ones that 
glide around the curves of my body, and drum 
to the beat of, "you're killing me, little one."

It starts with a simple fold like 
the way my body molds to yours,
in your grizzly brown bear embrace. 
It ends by morphing into a moonlit howl,
tantalizing me with cinnamon eyes. 

When I was twelve I played with silly putty
in the back of a safe haven, an escape, a trap,
drowning out the bass of my pains with the
thinnest of filters to block out the noise.
The trips ended but nothing was ever the same, 
you can't remove wrinkles and thumbprints.

I don't always feel beautiful but
you sure are a beast and does she
know what you text me, the way you 
walk that line between an enticing rose
in a glass case and a heart in a steel cage.

The thing you're forgetting about silly putty
is that malleability is not autonomous from scars, 
the deeply etched lines that reflect how soiled people 
can become when you toy with their emotions. 

Ramblings

The riff of that secret chord floats 

delicately around our interactions,
but if I played it would it please you?
When you find yourself drowning
among friends and strangers alike, 
am I the designated driver of a
conversation that should not happen?

I may be as shy as lightning but you, 
your heartbeat is as loud as thunder.
Galaxies away, you feel as familiar
as that scruffy-looking Nerfherder,
the one from that movie I can recall
but tuck away neatly in my brain folds.

A feeling can be fleeting, a flash of
a red coat contrasting against snow. 
Love is a choice, it is a declaration of
commitment, compassion, consistency. 
Don't forget that you have a bed to lie in. 

Because the next time you reach out, 
you will find a hand to hold and I will
hold you accountable for your expression, 
and a tax you might not truly want to pay.

They say you can grow up to be anything, 
so I became a myth, a warrior, a goddess.
I am a Cheshire grin and the stillness of Time.

I believe in impossibilities before breakfast, 
and forge realities after noontime meals.

Although, layers removed, my siren's call is cold, broken. 

Untitled

Happy for you, yes, 

but I'll admit my heart aches
at the thought of her.

Sundays are for Good News and Goodbyes

Long weekends and even longer conversations

Stretch like our shadows when the sun is at our backs.
There is a false sense of timelessness, as if this was
The way it was, the way it is, and the way it will be.
But Sunday mornings have been crooned about before,
and there's a ticket and a city and a commitment. 
I am less of a host and more of a symbiont, where
neither one of us are dependent but the mutualism is clear. 
While the adventures and the experiences are novel,
it never ceases to astound me how that 100 watt smile
can be so remarkably infectious and addicting. 
It is the winks from across the table, the long "O"
formed by your mouth when you postulate, 
the gap between your teeth and the moments nestled
softly in between the gaps of exploring the world around us.
I do not know where this road leads to but I am
finding myself getting lost in the forks and the turns.
So I will take the risk and extend myself into the abyss
because I think the ambiguity and confusion is worth navigating. 
... And I have never been too afraid of leaping from cliffs. 

(Synesthesia) This Sounds Like You Feel

Kind charcoal eyes and

a razor sharp tongue make for 
the warmest kisses.

Chivalry is Dead

Hiding behind the blinking pupil of an electronic eye,

the truth of it all is in the iris and the context that colors
what happened and trying to do the right not left thing. 
It starts with pouring yourself into a draft of what is to come,
it ends with you looking at the world through a new set of lenses.
While the furtive look back didn't convey what you hoped lurked 
in perceived depth not dissimilar from the $12 million stuffed shark, 
at least you know through your own two eyes, sunglasses removed, 
that chivalry is dead.

Florentino Ariza

I could write an epic of one thousand characters, 

but it would not bridge the miles between us. 

I could give my passion to strangers of the night,
but it would not release the hold on my heart. 

I could travel down the river to lands near and far,
but it would not quench my thirst, satisfy my hunger.

I guess it's just, love in the time of cholera.

A (not so) simple request.

All I am asking, 

is for you to be braver
and to take the risk. 

Is Magical Synonymous for Fleeting.

Sighs and sharp intakes

Of breaths you will never hear,

Windy City blues. 

Limbo

It's a silver box flying up toward the skies,

A sharp vertical line connecting dots that
were only a conversation and a block away. 
It's that first celebratory embrace, laced with
the scent of leather, those jeans, that grin.
I'll blame my nerves on the free caffeine. 
It's the excitement in your voice, your saunter, 
And honestly, the warmth in your tone when 
sharing lovingly worn snapshots of your family.
It's the I too have no idea what I'm doing, 
and all the ways I try to express that
I have so much faith in your potential and talent.
It's an invitation to eat, drink, and be merry
All leading to an entirely unexpected outcome
Of weekends, conversations, and moments.
It's the replaying of memories in my mind's eye, 
Followed by confusion, uncertainty, feelings.
I don't know how to dance to this limbo.

Check List

I woke up entwined in your arms, 

Laptop check badge check book check
my body curled to match the shape of yours
And it took all of my willpower to leave 
the warmest embrace, an unbelievable connection.

I pleaded with my alarm, demanded more time
lips brushed across your forehead, your eyelids, your lips
Socks check tights check dress check
But nothing could stop the plane from leaving
Or the world from spinning rapidly around us.

I collected the pieces of my self strewn across
the apartment, tied down and scattered by
the magic of it all and braced for an "until next time".
Phone check wallet check ticket check
Venturing into the dark, you pulled me into your arms.

While the sandman caressed your eyes and coaxed you
back into whatever dream I was keeping you from, 
you told me I was the worst, but I thought that was my line.
A four word phrase that summed up how dizzy I felt.
Note check boots check taxi check

I left you underneath those sheets, remembering the times
we were tangled underneath them together. 
Locked the door behind me because I knew
without doing so leaving would have felt impossible
And I plastered a smile on my face and left... 

Heart ... check?

Biology

An electric current runs through my heart,

the spark brings my body to life and 
I dance to the pulsing metronome. 
The beat that structures my existence 
ultimately leads me to my final destination. 

Endorphins run rampant through my brain,
my central oh so nervous system, pituitary gland
in overdrive in response to external stimuli. 
I'm not all that funny, all that unique, 
but more or less a tangled web of nerves.

Sensations of pain spike through my chapped lips.
I tend to bite down, trying to contain myself 
and the laughter spilling out during
the points in the conversation that pleasantly
surprise me with their warmth and wit.

Sound waves vibrate my ear drum,
A chain reaction of bones and fluid moving, 
a compound, domino effect exciting my nerves. 
It's the biological effect of a conversation,
a moment in time shared between two people. 

Dorian's Spade

Ironically enough, I'm not this kind of person.

The kind who gets swept up in windy cities
and tunes out street noise and cat calls
for an intimate conversation in a public place. 
I have a deep, bellowing bark, but my paws are small
and my courage only carries me so far. 

I've learned to be direct, to be honest, to be...
More fearless and to withhold expectations. 
If life has taught me anything it's that
you never know what to expect,
a beautiful and terrifying thing indeed.

And yet here I am, on my way to catch up with
An old friend. Or a new friend. Or a someone.
There's a degree of familiarity that I find
frightening, exciting, comforting, (insert adjective here).
Come back later and maybe I'll have made sense of it all.
I'm not making promises so don't hold your breath.

Until then, until I reach that moment of clarity, 
all I can say is that no matter what happens
I wouldn't trade the laughs, questions, ideas for anything. 
I'm glad you bit the bullet and called a spade a spade,
apologies to Lord Henry Wooten, but it is true that
there's no escaping a label when names are everything.
I only hope that I was able to provide you with similar comfort. 

Now, let's have some fun shall we? There's so much to explore!
I'm a happy camper as long as there's no gluten involved. 
Oh, and I'll probably look like the kid from Home Alone.

Plastic Coated Emotions

You're afraid of me?

Or you don't know what to say?
Either way, call me. 

I'm not so fragile, 
Not so easily broken,
pain isn't that strange. 

I can be direct,
despite being terrified,
but it's your move now. 

Call and Response

The bass enters my bones, fortifying my support structures

It permeates all of my thoughts, all of my worries.

And I'm pulled into its carefully constructed world,

Where I read my fill of the notes and draw strength. 

I strip down to the barest version of myself

and dance in my underwear, come join me?

The treble nestles itself neatly under my skin. 

It's a dose of sunshine and warmth and comfort, 

and happens to be exactly what the doctor prescribed. 

It's the laughter after a terrible dad joke, a million watt smile.

Pushing and pulling, stretching and reaching, I crack my shell

and dance on my tiptoes, come join me?

The poetry of it all isn't found in the lyrics, it's found

in the voices singing along to the tune, off beat, awkward.

Quirks that remind you of the normality of being atypical,

a strangely comforting and unsettling contradiction. 

I've been dancing by myself for most of my life, 

but am now extending an invite. Come join me.

Why are you so nice?

Because I loved her and maybe if she had known she would still be around. Because no one that beautiful, inside and out, deserves to be cast aside.

Because I should have been there in those final drug induced moments.
Because the future architects, historians, comedians, and peaceful protestors of the world should have safe spaces to study and play.
Because tomorrow I'll look back and know that I did all that I could. 
Because I don't want to come home to headlines, confusion, and betrayal again.
Because I hovered between the decision of drowning or swimming for too long. 
Because if he can't breathe, can't buy Skittles, then neither should I be able to. 
Because an education should never be a death sentence for anyone.
Because I stand on the shoulders of giants and on the shoulders of minions. 
Because life's too fucking short to not be explicit and to not jump off of cliffs.
Because I'm out here trying to f(x) and bring a little bit of kindness to the world.

Because I'm not really sure if this is a real question or a trick, but feel free to let me know your answer and if/when you're available to discuss it. 

Eyes Closed

I heard you smiling,

one thousand miles away and
it melted the ice.

Steel

Piece by piece, I put my armor back on 

It's taken years to design and manufacture.
Composed of the finest materials, 
designed to protect all of my most
vulnerable parts, the parts of myself
that rest easier in the shadows. 

For a moment I took it all off
To breathe and to feel and to laugh
I ran and jumped off of a cliff.
A leap of faith, and for a moment I flew.  
The wind granted my wings strength
and the sun warmed my feathers. 

Then slowly but surely the wind left me, 
and the sun set beyond the horizon. 
I found myself once again spiraling
down toward the ground, where my feet
should have remained firmly planted.

Piece by piece I outfit myself in steel. 
Untouchable, indestructible, and safe. 

Breathe

I run towards the roar of the ocean, 

Without fear and into the unknown.
The shells slice my feet while
The cool waves bring me to release. 

I throw my head back at the moon.
A creature of the night, I might be 
the threat you were warned about. 
Or I could be the ghost in your dreams. 

I fly with the grace of the wind,
under my wings it lifts me higher
into ecstasy, around pain, and
through the ashes and dust. 

I dance to a thunderous drumbeat, 
I am a daughter of storms,
sometimes tears leading to clarity
and sparks leading to rejuvenation.

I am wild and free and alive.