To All the Hearts I've Broken Before [Reprise]

I've been many things, but
I've never been yours. 

I come as I please, 
and it will
never 
happen 
a moment
sooner. 

I'll fall for you, land
on my knees for you, 
I'll give and you'll take 
and I'll let my heart bleed 
for you. 

But, this vessel wasn't made for
hand crafted and paid for 
your pleasure alone. 

I've lived ~

I.
Have.
Lived.

~ through seasons
and I cherish the 
nights ahead of me,
new love I know will be

because

when you drew me 
into winter you forgot. 

I'll chew my own foot off 
before I submit to a cage. 

I am sunshine, passion, 
and power, I can give life
and bear witness to flowers. 

I bow to the moon and
will remind them when they 
think it's too soon, to refrain
from taking me for granted. 

I am earth, the ground their
soul leans on, and they'll cherish
the gift and shared dreams from
vulnerable positions
in between sheets. 

I fell for you, waited
in the cold for you, 
but now I'll thaw
and welcome spring
for them. 

And on my way
I'll eat and I'll pray, and
love myself in the ways
you never could. 

And when I'm back
from that climb
because, darling, you
can be sure I never miss,
another summer will be
right around the corner. 

When he left

When he left, I cried, 

I was ten or eleven or theoretically 
too young to recognize loss. 
But I felt it. I knew its name. 
I inhaled and by the time I could
breathe again I sobbed and,
and they told me it would be alright. 

When he left my, oh my. 

I entered that match and
being a fighter, a survivor, a
sheer force of god damn will, 
I fought loss with loss. I grew
up with unavailable love, love
too tired, too busy, too demanding. 

When he left my heart, I moved. 

I didn't move on, I didn't learn
to accept that sometimes good
people make bad choices and 
bad people will find the ways to
pave the sidewalk cracks with poison. 
I gathered my bones, and I moved. 

When he left my heart leaked, with confusion. 

I wasn't prepared for the silence. 
For the first time my black hole
excavations went too far, too deep
into caves and caverns I wasn't
prepared for, trained for, armed for. 
I learned that ghosts were real. 

When he left my heart leaked through, into everything. 

Hell hath no fury like a heart scorned,
because believe me when I tell you
its tar suffocates all in its path. 
Sometimes he still visits, but its
... hollow. It's frankly just not the same. 

When he left my heart leaked through my, my words. 

I sharpened my tongue and spoke
truth to how lost he was to
how much he cost me to
how broken and ashamed 
and cautious he left me
unavailable to myself. Honestly,
I didn't even know that was possible. 

But. 

When he left my heart
leaked through my eyes, impaired my
vision of love, life. 

Midnight personified, my tired hero, 
he ruled over them all with 
soft words, masked by joyful tears. 
We found each other in the dark, 
two, unavailable hearts feeling
for what felt like the very first time. 

When he left, I cried. 

Friends are soulmates too.

He broke my heart but
they remind me to breathe and 
tell me to come home.

Leave No Trace

And as much as I
hate to admit to these things
you left your imprint. 

I thought "leave no trace"
could be the cure and the salve; 
I was so naive.

Now I welcome rain. 
Wounds cannot heal properly
until they are cleansed.

Priorities

In the face of death,

she was unafraid.
In the face of life, 
he feared for the flowers.

~

When the flowers wilted, their colors
turning from passion to distance,
he simply resigned his post in the garden. 

The sun bowed its head in shame, 
in exhaustion, in disbelief. 
Succumbed to its cycle of death, 
patiently awaiting dawn's rebirth. 

And as she danced in the moonlight, 
peering past nightmares and fear, 
she wandered into a court of dreams.

Nevertheless, She Persisted.

I released you from my bone marrow today. 
Felt fiery swirls dissipate into the usual reds and yellows, 
a passion radiating from focal points in my body that

you

can't 

touch. 

You exited through sighs, your grip followed as I
wrapped myself around my body, my voice, my power
stored within 5 ft 3 in of a compact home containing 
more art inside than you could bear to let exist. 
How does it feel to have that beauty stolen from you,
knowing the moment I removed myself from your walls
I found the wings you pinned in your curated collection.

you 

lost

me.

Your existence faded through modern measures,
ever evolving strategies to create an emotional distance
mirroring marathons and triathlons and sails around the world.
I may fly too close to the sun, burning brightly as I tumble, 
but I learned how to wade the waters of vast oceans 
before you realized you could crawl, walk, run towards your dream(s). 
I fought battles and wars, and in return was gifted my wings when

you 

let

go. 

Ancient Histories

Time picked my bones clean of you and 
the anger in my flesh rotted away, leaving
nothing but the facts of our existence.

Fact #1:
Fissures in my heart
serve as the thumbprints you left
when you mentioned love. 

Fact #2:
I made myself small 
for the sake of your comfort, 
to soothe your envy. 

Fact #3:
It's unfortunate 
Timing and Context chose not
to consent to us. 

When I'm unearthed they'll discover, 
the quiet grinning skull of a woman who 
refused to die before she was done loving. 

love inspires love inspires love inspires love inspires love

Love gently, quickly;
Tumble into strangers and 
you’ll find old friends.

This feeling is yours,

Conceived by words unspoken,

Wrapped in this grey gift.

This glass between us, 

let’s shatter it together. 

Clear walls beguile hearts.

The Depth of This Symbol

What is love, but a four letter symbol for

safety
trust
respect
passion
appreciation 
admiration

I love you. 
I feel safe with you. 
I trust you. 
I respect you. 
I am passionate about you. 
I appreciate you. 
I admire you. 

What is love, but a four letter symbol for the depth of my heart,
the way I want to engulf you in all the warmth I can muster. 

Articulation

"I just want you to come home..."                                

                                          "... what does that mean?"

I don't discuss before often, 
before you 
before this
before that 
before me 
I've always loved after more.

But it was before that taught me,
pain is scarring
scars belie healing
healing requires effort
effort conveys love
What I wanted to know about the world. 

I learned to hold you close, and
sometimes 
at times
time 
is just 
relevant
irrelevant
moments
I grew afraid to let go. I'm sorry.

So when I tell you what I want,
a home
our home 
to be home 
for you to come home
Listen, hold me close, and don't let go. 

"It was more things that I wanted to say to you."

I miss you.
Not in the 
I do not want to face tomorrow, way.
But in the subtler
tomorrow would simply be better if shared with you, way.

Morningstar

If hope is a thing with feathers
then betray me, let me tumble 
down from grace like Lucifer.

For I no longer wish to soar
over mountains, past rivers, 
through the valleys of space
that exist between us. 

Let me cast aside pearly gates, 
live and walk among men;
close that door inch by inch. 

I'll peer through new windows 
to identify strangers, visitors, 
but I can leave the porch light on
if you find yourself wandering
and ready to come home.

The Months After It's Over (Under-edited)

Chin up, back straight, and
a smile on my face so
I can mime closure.   

The Months After It's Over

When they told me to 
make good choices, I didn't 
anticipate you. 

Fundamentally
we all want to be heard, seen, 
to know others care. 

I'm a daughter of 
the moon, the wind, and nightshade - 
not made to be yours. 

But there's so much love 
in my heart, in my bones, and 
there's still some for you. 

In the Spirit of Rebuilding Walls

I don't know how to
be anything but yours so
don't ask to be friends.

Ouch

And the worst part is, I wish for your pain. 
As much as I wish for your wellness, I wish for your pain. 
When you filleted me with the precision only someone 
who practiced, who rehearsed, who prepared, can achieve... 

Did the blade slice you the way it threaded me?
Did you, too, feel the flesh rip from your bones?
Did you desperately grasp for armor you once wore?

Because I did. 
I can't find my breastplate or my helmet. 
The weight in my chest perfectly counterbalances 
the momentum built by tumbling thoughts, and
I'm ok, I'm ok, I'm gutted, I'm ok, I'm ok. 

I wish for you to hurt the way I hurt, 
to know that your blood, too, feels colder, 
that you see the grey filter on the world around you.

And the worst part is, I wish for your pain.
As much as I wish for your wellness, I wish for your pain,
When I chose to let you in, when I chose to give, 
I didn't anticipate how much you would willingly take.

Consistency

When you asked me to be 
a part of your future, still, 
you spoke to my softness. 

When I pointed out you were
still asking for more from me,
I reminded you of my strength. 

Checking In

I should have asked if

you loved me when I told you 
all of me was yours. 

Where to Even Begin

I tried looking for you in the corners of my apartment.

I made a list of what I found:

- 1,000 ear plugs, many of which seemed to grow legs and wander around 
- roughly 7 polaroids of you caught off guard, moments when you were the most beautiful to me 
- 2 XL shirts, snatched from a friend just in case you needed them 
- 2 pieces of jewelry, both selected by you with such thought and care that they don't burn my skin but burn my heart to touch
- 1 sweater you let me borrow to keep me warm, I loved how it smelled like you
- 1 pair of socks with eggs on them; a gift from a friend, a nod to my affection 
- 1 painting purchased only 2 months ago... had I known then that the subject's gaze would no longer remind me of strength and beauty but instead heartbreak and loss would I have still loved it?
- 1 photo from that same trip which may prove to be too hard to keep... all I can remember is how you kissed me in those warm waters, our late night walks, how distinctly at ease I was around you
- and countless memories of conversations of laughs of naps of meals of realizing that even if I scrubbed the earth of these items my mind and heart would still betray me by things found when I remembered I still needed to turn inwards and try and fail to gather you up there too. 

I can't stop writing.

Wonder Woman had 

a shield, a lasso, a plane -
I only have words.