It's Been a While

I am embarking on a road trip across the country to begin a new job in the Big Apple. From Syracuse to East Windsor to Grapevine to McKinney to Westwood to New York City, it tickles me how I have made a giant loop throughout the US. Each stopping point has marked a different chapter in my life. New York, where I was born, a result of two star-crossed Orange lovers. New Jersey, where I tumbled across yards and walked with dragons and ants alike. Texas, where I pushed myself to the limit and spent afternoons playing cards while eating pomegranates. Los Angeles, where I found my chosen family and changed my surname to Community Service Commission. And now New York, ______________________________________.

As I close the door on Los Angeles, I'm leaving without being able to say goodbye because I refuse to. My friends and family will be on my mind and in my heart for the rest of my existence. Geographical distance will not stop me from loving you all up close and out loud, but it may stop me from convincing every restaurant we go to that it's your birthday. Boo.

Y para mi ranita? Este poema es para él.

I miss picking avocados and the "eat this not that" debates in the grocery store.

I miss "Te amo de aqui hasta las estrellas" and enchiladita

and the comfortable silence of a long car ride. 

I miss let's go to that one place in Echo Park for tacos

and automatically cheering for the Puerto Rican queen on RuPaul's drag race.

I miss hey how was your day can I pick you(r spirits) up

and the giant stuffed teddy bear that takes up too much space on my bed.

I miss the lowkey trips for coffee and the highkey adventures at the happiest place on earth

(you thought it was Disney, but I thought it was the aviaries at the San Diego zoo).

I miss that time I was scared, I scared you in the middle of the night,

and let's see how cold the snow is.

I miss dancing as bunnies and owls, karaoke, and kbbq.

I miss not another chicken Cesar salad and traveling to the place of its invention.

I miss the smeared lizard on your back and your passion to make a difference and oh yeah did you hear about what Manny did today he licked a prize. 

I miss warming my hands against your skin and the notes from my secret admirer. 

I miss trying to make it through Star Wars and for being a bird Angel is the worst wing woman.

I miss you'll watch Frozen and I'll watch Pacific Rim and all the times we ventured into other worlds together.

I miss you.

Puzzle Pieces

Every year my mother's side of the family gathers at a picturesque lake in upstate New York. My family and I never went consistently, our trips being more sporadic than annual. One year, in particular, I went to Lake George with my arm in a cast. How I injured myself is a story for another time, but you can probably imagine how counterproductive it was to bring a young, energetic, and easily bored kid with a non-waterproof cast to a lake. (Cue canned laughter?) I spent what felt like most of the trip tackling puzzles, of what I don't remember, on a living room table in a stuffy cottage.

The frustration of finding two pieces that could fit together (but didn't quite) and the satisfaction of discovering a pair pushed and pulled me, both motivating me to find perfect matches.

I entered this world with everything scattered into one thousand pieces. Slowly but surely I find matches, pairs I would like to make fit, and pieces that will never belong to each other.

Over the course of time, I have begun to put the pieces together. I have felt what it's like to so wholeheartedly believe in and love the organization you are working for. I have felt what it's like to love and be loved. Even if these pieces were simply part of the deep blue background in an ocean scene, they centered me. They all at once reassured me and clued me in to the bigger picture. They give me hope that there's a point to all of the madness and that I can find my place in the world.

I also know what it feels like when the pieces don't match. When, as much as you try, you just can't make it work. You fool yourself into thinking that while the edges are rough, everything could be smoothed out. Your partner doesn't understand what "us" is worth, but one day, one day it will click for them. You desperately want to be part of a symphony, but you find yourself lost in a different rhythm. You spend your time at work counting down the seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, year until it's over, but you believe in the fundamental cause. You learn which pieces don't match, you're misled by the ones that seem to compliment each other.

I have enjoyed completing my fair share of puzzles throughout life... galloping horses, puppies lolling in a field, a baby deer in the meadows. I'm even working on a very artsy owl right now...

365

A day

     full of laughter
     filled with joy
     full of warmth
     in the arms of a boy

     without hatred
     without fear
     without questioning
     all the things that I feel

     mixed with conversations
     mixed with fun
     I was in the darkness
     Now I'm in the sun

at a time.

The Bruin Leaves the Nest

Since my freshman year, I have been left behind by those older than me, those farther down the rivers of UCLA and the roads of life. I've gone through three years of what feels like abandonment, with many of them never looking back. They have gone on to graduate school, full time jobs, marriage, and, for some, families. They have traveled the world and seen so many wonders, and they have spent time in their hometowns. Every day I miss them, but I am so proud of all of their successes.

(I don't know when or why Facebook started announcing life events, but I have to say I'm not a big fan. I do not need to be reminded of how quickly my allotted time at UCLA flew by.) I, too, will begin to only look forward and will move on from the place that has been my home for so long now. I, too, will leave those younger than me behind in search of brighter and more beautiful horizons (or at least less smog ridden). And even if I stay here, things will never be the same. I will never be running on my way to class up hills and stairs at 7:46 am (thank god), but I also will never stay up all night giggling with friends in the dorms.

As my time here at UCLA comes to an end, I feel I am on the verge of a metamorphosis.

Arrived as a caterpillar
confined by my cocoon
Left as a butterfly
and I am flying to the moon.

All in all, I feel a profound sense of loss shaken, not stirred, with excitement for what the future entails.

Here's to my graduating class of 2013, and everyone who supported me along the way.
Here's to those who have touched my life in profound ways and have helped me grow.
Here's to being so thankful to have the privilege to attend college.
Here's to utilizing what I've learned and gained to help others.
Here's to Delta Terrace, Project WILD, the LGBT Center, and CSC, and the people who became a part of my family.

And here's to those who I am leaving behind. You are wonderful. You are lovely. You will soon be joining me with your dazzling wings to flutter throughout life. 

I Choose To Be F**king Happy.

Once upon a time,
I settled for my heart lamenting.
Crying over a love lost,
a bond broken and betrayed.

Once upon a time,
I decided I would run away
from everyone and everything.
The intimacy of hearts touching was frightening.

Once upon a time,
someone reached out
through the darkness
through all of the defenses I had so carefully constructed around this glass house.

Once upon a time,
I turned it down.
I crushed it,
because I was scared of what I felt and for who I felt it and all the vulnerable parts of myself.

And in this time,
in this place and in this moment.
I am in a fairytale.
And he says,
"Te amo de aqui hasta las estrellas."