365

A day

     full of laughter
     filled with joy
     full of warmth
     in the arms of a boy

     without hatred
     without fear
     without questioning
     all the things that I feel

     mixed with conversations
     mixed with fun
     I was in the darkness
     Now I'm in the sun

at a time.

The Bruin Leaves the Nest

Since my freshman year, I have been left behind by those older than me, those farther down the rivers of UCLA and the roads of life. I've gone through three years of what feels like abandonment, with many of them never looking back. They have gone on to graduate school, full time jobs, marriage, and, for some, families. They have traveled the world and seen so many wonders, and they have spent time in their hometowns. Every day I miss them, but I am so proud of all of their successes.

(I don't know when or why Facebook started announcing life events, but I have to say I'm not a big fan. I do not need to be reminded of how quickly my allotted time at UCLA flew by.) I, too, will begin to only look forward and will move on from the place that has been my home for so long now. I, too, will leave those younger than me behind in search of brighter and more beautiful horizons (or at least less smog ridden). And even if I stay here, things will never be the same. I will never be running on my way to class up hills and stairs at 7:46 am (thank god), but I also will never stay up all night giggling with friends in the dorms.

As my time here at UCLA comes to an end, I feel I am on the verge of a metamorphosis.

Arrived as a caterpillar
confined by my cocoon
Left as a butterfly
and I am flying to the moon.

All in all, I feel a profound sense of loss shaken, not stirred, with excitement for what the future entails.

Here's to my graduating class of 2013, and everyone who supported me along the way.
Here's to those who have touched my life in profound ways and have helped me grow.
Here's to being so thankful to have the privilege to attend college.
Here's to utilizing what I've learned and gained to help others.
Here's to Delta Terrace, Project WILD, the LGBT Center, and CSC, and the people who became a part of my family.

And here's to those who I am leaving behind. You are wonderful. You are lovely. You will soon be joining me with your dazzling wings to flutter throughout life. 

I Choose To Be F**king Happy.

Once upon a time,
I settled for my heart lamenting.
Crying over a love lost,
a bond broken and betrayed.

Once upon a time,
I decided I would run away
from everyone and everything.
The intimacy of hearts touching was frightening.

Once upon a time,
someone reached out
through the darkness
through all of the defenses I had so carefully constructed around this glass house.

Once upon a time,
I turned it down.
I crushed it,
because I was scared of what I felt and for who I felt it and all the vulnerable parts of myself.

And in this time,
in this place and in this moment.
I am in a fairytale.
And he says,
"Te amo de aqui hasta las estrellas."

Letting Go of the Laughter and Tears

I've missed you

                        Since you broke my heart
                        While I am collecting the pieces
                        And I'm trying to put back the parts.

                                                I've loved you

                       Throughout the entire journey
                       Through the days and the nights
                       And as a woman in black, I have been mourning.

                                                                        But it is time

                       For me to move on.
                       To become more careful with my heart
                       To realize what we had was gone.

                                                                                                To heal.

Resolutions

I have never given much thought to the spur of the moment resolutions I create at 11:59 pm, December 31. They usually do not amount to much. Last year I "kept it simple" and resolved to run a marathon (I hate running) and to learn how to play the guitar (but I did not want to pay for music classes). During this past summer, however, I made a to do list of sorts that I have been keeping up with. It started with me imaging my ideal sense of self (you can take the woman out of sociology, but you can never take the sociology out of the woman), and then I identified the qualities that Anees possessed that this Anees does not.

After returning to my white board off and on throughout the days, I came up with a pretty lengthy list. When I felt as if everything had been written down, I took a step back and examined who I was and who I wanted to be. What I would like to see in myself are the qualities that I treasure in my friends and family.

I don't have the list with me now, but here are some of the things I have resolved to do (and can remember).

I want to be:
          a dancer
                              kinder
                                                   fearless
                                                                       more trusting

                                                                                           and braver.