mind races and zooms and and ~
I just want to rest.
September 9, 2020
September 2, 2020
June 12, 2020
"Fuck You," But Make It Poetry
I had a dream about you last night.
It’s like this, I haven’t been sleeping
the world is too unclear, uncertain
but in this fantasyland too, you
ground my heart to sawdust, blew
asked me to inhale it all back into
bones that created and held
and reserved space for you.
What an unappreciated gift, truly.
We were all at dinner, me and my work
you and your band of merry misfits
I likened you to robin hood, you know.
And no, it’s not weird to have a crush
on a cartoon fox, as sly as they can be.
You came up behind me, leaned over
my shoulder and the intimacy was
both too rich and too painful to bear.
You even had the audacity to be upset
as I excused myself in search of oxygen.
The audacity. Ha, I called you hot stuff.
You should know that hell hath no fury
like a woman who remains aware
of the power she holds and still
chooses softness and warmth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman
who remains aware of her impact,
when all that she needs is scorched earth.
Friends don’t let friends bleed
Until their heart runs dry.
Then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I can’t believe I’m saying this to you
of all people, at this time, in this place.
friends don’t let friends bleed
until their heart runs dry.
then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I woke up at around 4 am this morning
to the sound of my own heartache, hbu.
because you said you missed me and
now I’m left wondering how it was all
lost in translation, words like,
“I appreciate you”
“Te extraño nena”
“No but i want to see ur face”
“You’re amazing”
I can’t find a Duolingo course to
confirm what i thought I heard,
wouldn’t have assumed my
interpretation to be so far from
your intentions, you didn’t mean
“I see you”
“I feel the ache of missing you”
“I want this”
“I value you”
And now all I’m left with are questions
Did I daydream the whole thing?
Read into your actions that you felt something?
And Best self? As in, your pinnacle self?
You do realize the end of the maze
the end of the rat race is a trap, right?
that we grow, as the sunflowers do,
heads stretched towards the sun
and we navigate what life throws at us.
As best we can. That is our best, self.
You want to be just friends.
Or you need friendship.
Or both.
Or this is a soft let down.
Or this is your soft let down.
I want to be with someone
who wants to be with me.
Not just during the best times,
but during the worst times, more.
Right now. These times.
I’m scared, all of the time.
I’m lonely, all of the time.
I’m confused, all of the time.
And yet, I’m still here.
Holding apparently too tightly
onto what’s possible,
and not tightly enough
onto some imagined vision of perfection.
And even then.
Friends don’t let friends bleed
Until their heart runs dry.
Then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I can’t believe I’m saying this to you
of all people, at this time, in this place.
friends don’t let friends bleed
until their heart runs dry.
then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
It’s like this, I haven’t been sleeping
the world is too unclear, uncertain
but in this fantasyland too, you
ground my heart to sawdust, blew
asked me to inhale it all back into
bones that created and held
and reserved space for you.
What an unappreciated gift, truly.
We were all at dinner, me and my work
you and your band of merry misfits
I likened you to robin hood, you know.
And no, it’s not weird to have a crush
on a cartoon fox, as sly as they can be.
You came up behind me, leaned over
my shoulder and the intimacy was
both too rich and too painful to bear.
You even had the audacity to be upset
as I excused myself in search of oxygen.
The audacity. Ha, I called you hot stuff.
You should know that hell hath no fury
like a woman who remains aware
of the power she holds and still
chooses softness and warmth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman
who remains aware of her impact,
when all that she needs is scorched earth.
Friends don’t let friends bleed
Until their heart runs dry.
Then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I can’t believe I’m saying this to you
of all people, at this time, in this place.
friends don’t let friends bleed
until their heart runs dry.
then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I woke up at around 4 am this morning
to the sound of my own heartache, hbu.
because you said you missed me and
now I’m left wondering how it was all
lost in translation, words like,
“I appreciate you”
“Te extraño nena”
“No but i want to see ur face”
“You’re amazing”
I can’t find a Duolingo course to
confirm what i thought I heard,
wouldn’t have assumed my
interpretation to be so far from
your intentions, you didn’t mean
“I see you”
“I feel the ache of missing you”
“I want this”
“I value you”
And now all I’m left with are questions
Did I daydream the whole thing?
Read into your actions that you felt something?
And Best self? As in, your pinnacle self?
You do realize the end of the maze
the end of the rat race is a trap, right?
that we grow, as the sunflowers do,
heads stretched towards the sun
and we navigate what life throws at us.
As best we can. That is our best, self.
You want to be just friends.
Or you need friendship.
Or both.
Or this is a soft let down.
Or this is your soft let down.
I want to be with someone
who wants to be with me.
Not just during the best times,
but during the worst times, more.
Right now. These times.
I’m scared, all of the time.
I’m lonely, all of the time.
I’m confused, all of the time.
And yet, I’m still here.
Holding apparently too tightly
onto what’s possible,
and not tightly enough
onto some imagined vision of perfection.
And even then.
Friends don’t let friends bleed
Until their heart runs dry.
Then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
I can’t believe I’m saying this to you
of all people, at this time, in this place.
friends don’t let friends bleed
until their heart runs dry.
then ask if they can resume
Pumping the well after spring rains.
May 17, 2020
I Tried to Tell You, I Love You
don't ask me how much.
don't ask me to quantify or qualify,
justify my enunciation of each syllable.
numbers are lazy, unskilled snapshots.
they're surface level and powerless,
meaningless without contextualization.
I write for you, I don't always want to but
please listen ~ I write for you.
it's the only honest way I can describe it.
I miss you, and it's more than I want to,
because I want to not miss you at all.
I want annoyances and laughter and
frustration and the depths of your eyes
permanently imprinted behind my eyelids.
so don't ask me how much, ask me
better questions like why and when,
don't ask me how much because I
have no interest in quantifying what
deserves the prettiest of words to explain.
don't ask me to quantify or qualify,
justify my enunciation of each syllable.
numbers are lazy, unskilled snapshots.
they're surface level and powerless,
meaningless without contextualization.
I write for you, I don't always want to but
please listen ~ I write for you.
it's the only honest way I can describe it.
I miss you, and it's more than I want to,
because I want to not miss you at all.
I want annoyances and laughter and
frustration and the depths of your eyes
permanently imprinted behind my eyelids.
so don't ask me how much, ask me
better questions like why and when,
don't ask me how much because I
have no interest in quantifying what
deserves the prettiest of words to explain.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)